Do you recall the young character Stephanie, played by Jodie Sweetin, on the TV show Full House? In the 13th episode of Season 1 in 1988, five year old Stephanie was on the phone asking a question and the person on the other end abruptly hung up on her. After a few polite hellos, she emphatically exclaimed, "HOW RUDE" in her adorable, lisping speech and slammed down the receiver. This seemingly insignificant remark has become iconic in the realm of memorable sitcom lines and is likely the pinnacle of Jodie's recognition. Perhaps the 13th isn’t such an unlucky number after all.
Recently, I was reminded of this two word exclamation and it couldn’t be more descriptive of how I felt during an encounter with a stranger while shopping at Costco. There I was, perusing the frozen burger patties, ironically since I am vegetarian, when a woman beside me said, “What is the difference between Bison and Angus Beef?” I thought she was speaking to me so I answered, “Oh, well Bison is Buffalo and…” was unable to complete my response as she immediately threw her hand up in front of my face and said, “I wasn’t asking you.”
I turned my head to find she was indeed talking to her partner whom I hadn’t seen as he was out of my view. I replied, “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were with some…” and once again was unable to finish my sentence as she again threw her hand up in my face and said, “Ya, I don’t want to talk to you.” HOW RUDE!!!
Her partner chuckled as if she had just delivered the most brilliant joke. In return, I quipped, "Aren't you just a lovely ray of sunshine,"and walked away. The other irony here lies in the fact that both of them were dressed in what I could only describe as Goth attire, making the terms "sunshine" and "lovely" the complete antithesis of their entire persona.
Anyhoo, I carried on, met up with Hubby and told him what transpired. He just laughed it off with some comment about “some people’s kids” and we proceeded to spend the remainder of our pension on toilet paper, batteries and cat food, you know, in case the big one hits. At least the cat will be well fed.
Wouldn’t you know it but a couple of aisles later Mr. & Ms. Lovely-Sunshine were coming our way. In a loud and obvious voice she said “Ya, we don’t need that, nor do we need someone’s unwanted opinion.” I laughed and sweetly responded, “that wasn’t an opinion, it’s a fact. You have a super day now Sunshine.” To be honest what I wanted to say was, “what the F is your problem?” but I held my tongue and walked on. Again, HOW RUDE!!!
Now, full disclosure, I myself have certainly been assertive with strangers in the past. There have been instances where Customer Service Representatives wished they’d not gone to work that day, and I acknowledge that with a little shame and humility. I used to resort to a somewhat intimidating approach to get my point across, often switching to haughty anger without a second thought. I recognized that this behavior was not OK and I have learned more positive ways of expressing myself. I now strive to understand the reasons behind my past actions and aim to maintain a good-natured demeanor. While there are situations where being firm or insistent is necessary, there is never a justification for being rude or disrespectful.
Encountering completely uncalled for rude behaviour from others feels awful and it gets me to wondering if these two are innately rude or is their behaviour a default response to mask something else. It also has me wondering why real clever retorts come to mind only after the fact, dammit!
Often we put this conduct down to external factors such as simply having a rough day at work, they got up on the wrong side of the bed, the kids are on a tear, it was a sleepless night or some kind of pain is present physically or emotionally.
Conversely, we also know that it can stem from ingrained patterns developed over time. The fact that this couple laughed together in her rudeness demonstrated a mutual approval of disrespectful behaviour. Either they have a shared history of what makes them behave this way and they are empowered by it or misery loves company. The Good Angel in me likes to think that they have unresolved childhood trauma and the Fallen Angel thinks they are just nasty people, plain and simple. I guess we will never know.
For the purposes of this blog and because I prefer to take the high road I’ll lean on the shoulder of the good, compassionate Angel. There are a number of reasons that lend themselves to explanations of bad attitudes and actions. Observed behaviours in childhood are significant to how we are as adults. Angry households, lack of respect, abusive language or violence often cause children to turn their fear and stress inward which consequently leads to those very behaviours being perpetuated into adulthood because that’s all they know.
Perhaps there is a deep lack of self-esteem or self-confidence causing them to erect walls to keep others at bay. Their mindset may be “If I use strong language and I’m rude I won’t appear weak” or “I’ll get them before they get me,” which has them feeling less vulnerable.
Personality disorders such as narcissism or anti-social issues can arise when one grows up in stressful and challenging circumstances. As well, they may have very poor emotional intelligence or are emotional immature. They just haven’t developed the skills and nor have the tools to understand appropriate social behaviour. There are no checks and balances or edit buttons that allow them to recognize their disrespectful, rancorous actions.
We are definitely products of our environments, shaped by our history but, we don’t have to live in that story. We can change the narrative and we each have the ability to embrace and choose a new path. We can live in a world completely different from our past. Embracing this choice is where our transformation begins.
I remember listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer when he spoke of his childhood. His alcoholic Father left his Mom with three young boys leaving him to spend much of ten years in foster care. He was an abandoned child but as a grown man and despite his imperfections, he found a strength and resilience within. He learned that it was his responsibility to decide what kind of person he wanted to be. We know what we know based on the conditions of our lives but we don’t have to remain mired in those conditions. We can use them to learn, move forward and take responsibility for who we are now.
When a child throws a temper tantrum, we often attribute it to hunger, fatigue, fear, attention seeking or inadequate parenting. (I'll refrain from commenting further on the latter, as it would be rude. Not my child, not my business.) We accept that children will occasionally express themselves through tantrums as they are too young or have not been taught another way and therefore are incapable of knowing how to communicate their needs in a more appropriate manner.
Conversely, when an adult acts, behaves or speaks inappropriately, it is commonly dismissed with a shrug and an excuse of "that's just who they are." I get it, it's understandable to have moments of anger or to react when provoked, but consistently living in a state of ignorance and bitterness, playing the victim, and shirking responsibility for your own behaviour is unacceptable. Despite this, many of us still enable such behavior and offer excuses for it, most likely because most of us just don’t want to deal with the hard stuff by addressing it. Not unlike an Ostrich with its head in the sand. If it’s not acknowledged it doesn’t exist.
Now, let’s address some of the older generations' commentary where entire generations are unfairly generalized; "Back in my day, a good belt on the backside fixed everything," "People nowadays are so rude," and "What happened to manners?" Yet, these same individuals who complain about others are often disrespectful themselves, believing they have "earned the right" to be ornery and respected. But why should they expect respect when they show none to others?
In my daily observations of the world around me I do believe we have lost much of the polite manners and niceties that I grew up with. I say that while being inclusive of all generations. I grew up with elbows off the table and thank you for dinner. Woe the wrath of Dad if we didn’t say thank you. No hats at the table, chew with your mouth closed, speak when it’s empty, don’t feed the dog at the table, hold your utensils correctly and don’t take more than you can eat.
We asked when visiting another’s home, “ can I help with anything?” We offered others our seats, we were polite answering work calls, “Blah Blah Blog Headquarters, how may I direct your call?” We sent timely thank you cards after receiving gifts, we shovelled our neighbours walks, babysat when a friend was in a bind and really, the list is endless.
Good manners, in my opinion are universal and essential, no matter your background. Some of the most mannerly people I’ve met grew up in less than ideal circumstances, and yet they retain a grace, kindness, mindfulness and consideration towards others that is often woefully lacking in those of greater wealth and education.
It takes nothing for me to hold a door open for others or say thank you when someone does that for me. I ask those attending to me how they are doing. I let someone in the line in front of me if they only have one or two things to check out. I leave room for a car coming out of the parking lot so they don’t have to wait long and I smile and wave when someone lets me in. I say please and thank you and sorry when appropriate and if a stranger asks me a question I tend to answer back happily and helpfully where I can. There’s no talk to the hand from my side of the aisle.
I find it quite confounding and frankly quite sad that places such as emergency rooms, post offices and tax offices, have to post signs telling people their bad behaviour will not be tolerated. I get it, there are a lot of really stressed out, messed up, your standing on my last nerve folk out there but, when we allow that behaviour to carry on unchecked it becomes normalized, which seems to be the trend these days.
Rude behaviour may not be the most pressing issue out there but maybe returning to the fundamentals of being considerate, accommodating, mindful and chilling the F out, (HOW RUDE!) we can begin to foster a new movement toward a kinder and more positive world.
Love Kiki,
Xoxo
“All the education young people receive will be in vain if they do not learn good manners.” — Mahatma Ghandi
Picture taken at local Post Office
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