On Sunday we celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. I know right? It hardly seems worth mentioning that we were babies when we wed, LOL! I suppose by today's standards we kind of were. I was twenty two and Hubby was twenty six. That's the new twelve and sixteen isn't it?
We've actually been celebrating this Ruby milestone for a couple of months now. Well, it all started over a year ago when our friends, who were also celebrating their 40th this past April and ourselves decided it would be a perfect time to plan a bucket-list trip. After over a year of planning and anticipating their big day came and went and then our big trip came and went and then our big day came and went and now it's all over but the memories.
Traditionally, a 40th anniversary is marked by the gift of a ruby or rubies. We didn't get actual rubies but we were gifted a gorgeous bouquet of ruby red flowers from our daughter and a card that read, "Celebrating your big day with 40 Shades of Ruby." She is so clever.
Of course, a milestone such as fourty years married is, as one friend commented, no mean feat, and she is right. When I think back to the days before the "I do's" I think about how young and starry-eyed and in love we were. My soon to be Hubby was a Lieutenant in the Canadian Airforce and I was a college kid taking my diploma in Travel and Tourism. We were broke, living on a student loan while going to school full-time and I was working three part-time jobs while my fiancee was being paid pittance and trying to manage rent, utilities and a car loan that topped out at 23%, no shit!!!!
It was the 80's when folk in Canada were dropping their house keys in the bank door mail slot and walking away, and yet, there we were, idealistic and believing there was nothing we couldn't do or accomplish as long as we had each other and the promise to love and honour each other till death do us part. What the hell did we know? Well, I did know enough to leave out the obey part.;)
We really didn't know much and yet here we are, fourty years later still doing it, living this life together, through all the things that makes life life. We've weathered the worst that was thrown at us and celebrated the best we were blessed with. We've lost loved ones, moved countries, raised phenomenal children, suffered illness and injuries, travelled extensively, ended careers and began new adventures.
Each and every anniversary we remember where we started. I said Yes at the Owl's Nest Restaurant in Calgary, Alberta on Boxing Day, 1983. We were married six months later June 16th,1984, and in those six months I probably saw my man for about six weeks in total. People were starting to wonder if I even had a fiancee. He was a Flyboy and the airforce wasn't a nine to five set up. Sometimes he would be gone for weeks at a time and the wedding plans were pretty much left up to me. He showed up for the Bachelor party, of which he has little memory, my graduation from college, and our wedding week, thank goodness because I started to think he was a figment of my imagination along with everyone else.
I knew what I was getting myself into, right? I had girlfriends whose partners were military pilots and they were ok. They were independent and had jobs and raised their kids and looked after their homes and pets and groceries and the cleaning and bill paying and errands and, and, and if they could do it so could I. Besides, we were not having kids for a good long while and by then he would be a Captain and have better hours and I would be done school and have only one job and we'd have more money...right? Of course, we could do it all and have a bag of chips too!
Whew, fourty years later we weren't wrong. We could do anything and let me tell you, if my waistline is anything to go by, we've had a few bags of chips along the way. It certainly hasn't been all roses and champagne, some days it's coffee and donuts, sometimes it's a fleeting glance or a squeeze of a hand but every day we say I Love You, without fail, often more than once, even on the days we are not so enamoured of each other because it reminds us of the promise we made all those years ago, that often feels just like yesterday.
Monogamy and a lifetime of commitment is not natural, especially to men. Men are meant to have multiple partners to continue their lineage which was all well and good in caveman times when a couple of grunts and a club to the head was considered foreplay but, times changed. Primordial desires never wained but they were cloaked in the constructs of society as it took over the actual meaning and reason for marriage.
Marriage was invented so men could own women and prove their biological offspring. A Father would give away his daughter pledging she would produce children and if a wife couldn't get pregnant the husband could return her to her family and move on.
We also didn't live as long as we do now and often women died in childbirth so having three or four wives wasn't considered unusual. In some societies it still isn't, but that's a whole other Blog.
Eventually, the church became involved and marriage became a legal contract. Supposedly, this was for the betterment of women on the whole (she said with a huge dose of what a crock of hooey) as men were still the head of the family while women still had no rights. Shockingly, many things have not changed in that regard and what has changed has been a painfully slow progression for women. What’s even more shocking is the fact that we are digressing in some countries. Man, do not get me started!
Love Marriages did not really happen until the 12th century, which is believed to have originated in France, je t'aime, and there has been a continual morphing of what marriage looks like since then.
Speaking of digressing, where was I? Oh yes, after fourty years I can honestly say I don't think there is any kind of secret sauce to our longevity. Every couple who ties the knot, breaks the glass or jumps over the broom does so with the intention that they will be together forever. It says so in the vows, "til death do us part." Having said that, the divorce rate in North America hovers around 50% and there are less people marrying now. With common law being more common some would argue that there is no need to marry at all, while others still see it as the ultimate commitment when they "put a ring on it."
Staying commmitted is not for the feint of heart. Who we are in our young, idealistic years with our whole lives ahead of us is very different from the people we become. We grow, we learn, we change and are changed by what life deals us and if we are very lucky, we find ourselves turning out to be the people we were all along and just didnt't know it.
If, as a couple, we can accept and respect those changes then the chances of being together fourty years down the road are pretty good. Heading into a lifetime commitment means finding compromise, talking it out, arguing, not always being right, listening even when you've heard the story eleven times before, standing in solidarity with disciplining the youngsters, picking your battles, never building Ikea furniture or picking out paint colours together, (you can but it's ugly, trust me), forgiving, forgetting, always courting each other, learning each others love language, crying, laughing and loving, through it all.
After fourty years we look different, we feel different, we are different, but isn't that the natural progession of life? We are not supposed to stay the same. Life is impermanance, it's the only absolute other than death and taxes and please don't get me started on the taxes part, it will be the death of me, just sayin'!
Personally, I don't believe in two people staying together because they vowed to when the hormones were high, the bodies were hot and life was good. Nor should you stay together for the sake of the children. I do believe that you are better alone and happy than together and miserable and your children, unfortunately, they will be deeply affected regardless of what you choose. Some of the best relationships I know are couples who became better friends when marriage ended. They took the love they had in the beginning, understood that their partnership was not to be but also understood that it's ok to move on and still love and respect each other in a different capacity. Now that is definitely better for the children.
Relationships are complex. Humans are complex. Love is complex. As the movie title says, "It's Complicated." We can't tell our heart who to love, it just does. Chemicals, phermones, sunsets, music and alcohol, LOL, they are powerful potions that override sense and sensibilities. Many a man and woman have been brought to their knees by the power of love and that is something that will never change because in the end, love is the most powerful potion of all.
I thought I'd died and gone to heaven fourty years ago. I believed I was the luckiest girl on the planet. I was right and I still feel that way. I don't need precious rubies to make me happy. I already have what's most precious to me and I'm very happy to put in another fourty. Quite possibly I won't remember most of it but that's ok, neither will he.
Love Kiki,
xoxo
"Marriage is not a fairytale, it's a love story that unfolds over time." -- Joseph Campbell
40th Anniversary -June 16th, 1984
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