Recently, I applied for a remote writing job that I was ninety-nine percent sure I wouldn't get due to my lack of a degree, the experience required in the context of the job parameters and of course, my age. Over sixty is most likely an automatic over and out when applicants are being considered and today the initial process of selection is often done by AI (Artificial Intelligence), which would mean the human konnection doesn’t come into play until the second or third or even fourth interview, if you get that far.
Regardless of whether that was the case or not with this particular job, I still applied if for nothing else but my own curiosity. It was very interesting and eye-opening for me as it's been over thirty five years since I've put in an actual job application.
Boy, have things changed! Gone are the days of the resume that lists everything except the last meal you ate. Gone is the time when you would receive a call or letter saying thank you for applying but no bueno. This particulate submission didn’t even send an email saying they’d received the application after it was submitted. All it said was once you hit submit if you haven’t heard from said company within a week or so you haven’t been chosen for the next stage of hiring.
After a week I knew from the crickets in my inbox that it was a fail. I’ve been told some companies leave applicants hanging for weeks on end and then, if they make it to the next stage they are interviewed and left again waiting and wondering and often with no deadline date. Some companies are interviewing up to four times over weeks and months. What is that about anyway? I understand that it’s important to vet applicants but the whole process seems convoluted and frankly very inefficient.
A while back I overheard a candidate being interviewed in a big box bookstore coffee shop for a cashier position. Really? Is that really where someone should be interviewed? The whole process is unnerving enough without Frik and Frak listening in from the next table wondering what your answer will be to “why were you let go from your last job?” and “how would you handle a customer nosing in on a private conversation you are having with another customer?”
Then there are the types of questions being asked such as; What are your goals and ambitions for your growth in the company? Ummmm, well, as a cashier, I would hopefully be able to master scanning a credit card, process a refund and really gain a keen sense of spatial reasoning so I know what size of bag to put the books in. Oh, I’d also be thrilled if I could remember to add those free paper bookmarks to the books before I hand them over to the customer. Like ya, those would be like, great goals, I think.
I’m being excessively cheeky but, it seems to me everyone is asking for a degree and five years experience for someone to wash dishes and please know, I fully appreciate anyone who works hard and no job is menial in my mind. I’ve proudly washed dishes and waited tables and been a cashier, but no one expected ridiculous requirements from me in order to perform my duties. The interviews were relevant to the position.
I would also like to know whatever happened to interviews being held in an office, in private? Now, to be fair I know many interviews are taking place over Zoom and the like, which is smart and cost effective and obviously the only way to perform them when a candidate is remote. I just think actually meeting in person and learning about them on a human level as opposed to corporate box ticking is still the better way to go. First impressions and gut instincts go a long way in making important decisions.
It’s really not rocket science, unless of course, you’re interviewing for a rocket science position and if you are I’m positive you would get an in-person interview with all the corporate speak and at least three to four interviews because that position is very specialized. I mean, a big box bookstore cashier could become the CEO of the company but somehow, I think that is rather unlikely. My point being, the interview process should be held in accordance to the position being applied for, and always in a private room and if you are on to the second or third interview but not the fourth, some feedback to the applicant would be incredibly kind and helpful to them. Apparently that isn't a thing now either.
Anyway, moving onto the short story part of this rant/blog. Applicants were asked to write a story that was 5-7 sentences or longer based on the happenings at FTX and Sam Bankman-Fried, the CEO of FTX. The twist to the story was that it had to be about a green dancing Octopus and English Professor, now there's a combo, who makes an appearance in the office on the day of the company’s collapse. I'm not sure how anyone could sum things up in five to seven sentences but it did say "or longer" and well, if you know me you know I usually write on the wordy side so...
This is the piece I wrote: (perhaps the length was why I didn’t hear back….hmmm?)
There was a definite uneasy thrum vibing amongst the staff. It was November 8th, 2022 and the FTX offices were filled with the typical cast of young twenty-something characters, crypto traders, tech wizards and financial savants, all dressed in various stages of island work wear, chugging their second or third double espressos, venti sized, energy jolting, caffeinated drinks, while whispering amongst themselves, uncomfortable with the trajectory FTX was pointed toward.
No doubt Sam Bankman-Fried and his closest cronies would rather have been basking in the Bahamian sunshine at The Albany in Nassau rather than being hunkered down in the CEO’s office penthouse, frantically scrambling to correct the glaring issues the company was experiencing while weather reports warned of an impending hurricane about to descend upon them…
Heads down, computers lit, phones in speaker mode, no one was paying much attention to anyone else until it almost felt as if all the air had left the room and an eerie green glow spread across their screens, along littered table tops, over shaded windows, reflecting off the lenses of those who wore eyeglasses. There was a collective gasp of shock, as eight, luminous green, suckered tentacles wound their way around tables and chairs while unbelieving faces gaped at the fantastical creature that had just entered the room.
For a moment every sound, every movement, every pitter-pat of raindrops just beginning to tap dance on the window panes, ceased to exist as an enormous green octopus opened it’s mouth and spoke in perfect diction, as though lecturing from a dais in Oxford, “Good Day, Mr. Bankman-Fried. Such a pleasure to meet you. My name is Professor Norman Verde.”
Professor Verde didn’t stand still for a second. His oversized bulbous head bounced back and forth and up and down while his rather prudish beaked mouth, far too small for the rest of him, held onto a knowing grin while his bespectacled eyes twinkled and blinked with high rapidity.
Sam was momentarily at a loss for words as Norman two-stepped his way further into the room, pirouetted forward three times and finally performed a deep plié at Sam’s desk. With a quick breath and a brief grin Sam answered, “Ah, nice to meet you Mr. Verde. I don’t believe we have an appointment?’
“Oh, we definitely have an appointment Sir“ responded Norman, “you just didn’t record it on your calendar.” Norman pointed to Sam’s computer screen where the calendar icon was. His tentacles swayed back and forth, reminiscent of Hawaiian dancers performing the hand movements of a Hukilau.
Sam, although under enormous pressure and stress, remained calm as he spoke to Norman, “Pardon me but I’m afraid there’s a lot going on here at the moment. Perhaps we could re-book a meeting for another time?”
Norman, and all eight appendages, tapped danced his way to one of the oversized office windows and peered myopically out towards the direction of the ocean, for a moment contemplating the roiling waves looming larger and frothier each time they reached the shoreline. The sky was growing darker and more ominous as clouds raced above, pregnant with moisture. Palm trees were no longer gently swaying in the breeze but were bent over, their fronds nearly touching the ground in surrender to the lashing of the winds ferocity.
With a slight jump and what could only be described as an Irish jig, Norman turned back toward Sam. He opened his “arms” wide, stretching them across the room, tilted his huge cranium and with a look of sad resignation said in his finest speaking voice, “Sadly for you Mr. Bankman-Fried, the time to dance is now,”and with that he twirled about the room like a whirling dervish, spinning onto table tops, papers flying, people ducking, coffee spilling, water glasses smashing.
Outside the winds reached gale force speeds as the clouds let loose, no longer able to hold their water. The seas rose up, crashing waves relentless in their onslaught as every object in their path was reduced to kindling, not an iota of resemblance to what they once were.
Norman, suddenly stopped. His head bobbing around as though he himself were being bandied about in the frenzy of the storm, then slowly came to a standstill. He calmly laid down his tentacles alongside himself, one, two, three, four, five, six, and with the tenderness of a Mother picking up her new born babe reached out with seven and eight, wrapped them gently around Sam, lifting him towards himself and began to dance the haunting rhythms of an Argentine tango, the dance of the dark streets, of sadness, of lost loves. The dance of humility.
Sam struggled to remove himself from Norman’s grip, to no avail. The more he tried to escape the tighter the grip became, each tentacle joining in, and as Norman hummed the last notes of the Cell Block Tango and performed the last movements of the dance, so did Sam take his last breaths, as the CEO of FTX.
That's my short story. I had fun writing it and I hope you had fun reading it. You know, I get there is a corporate culture that has been cultivated to optimize a company’s bottom line. Companies are supposed to make money, heck, I want to make money too, we all do, but, they can’t do that without people and a human touch, a human konnection. Even if those people are being hired to train AI to eventually reduce the number of people needed to run their company, they still need people and for me, that’s really the bottom line.
Love Kiki
Xo
“Human connections are deeply nurtured in the field of shared story.” — Jean Houston
PROFESSOR NORMAN VERDE
By Christine Hayden
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Happy New Year my friend!! 🥂🍾